The Black Dog
I’m going to break an internet rule and apologize for not posting in three weeks.
I could tell you it was because I was busy (which I was) and that things are crazy (which they are) and that I’m putting my energy towards helping my daughter make her college decision (which I am – she has 9 days, people!) — but that would only be a part of the story.
I want to be honest with you here because I know you, as highly sensitive people, are not immune to what I’m about to talk about.
A few weeks ago, my typical acquaintance with depression and anxiety turned into a all out brawl, and I was losing. I had been sliding down for a long time, but this was tail over teakettle into a ravine.
I became re-familiarized with the term, The Black Dog, which didn’t in any way seem to do what I was going through justice, although it brought up thoughts of Sirius Black from Harry Potter, which produced at least a little ray of light in an otherwise dark world spiraling out of control. My Black Dog was more like a pack of black wolves with rabies.
I normally have a lot of deep troublesome thoughts or things going on in my life, which I can typically carry around tidily as if in a suitcase. The problems or thoughts are there, but I am managing them. Lately, not only has the suitcase gotten too heavy, but it sprung open, getting lotions and dainties everywhere, just as I was running for the gate so as not to miss my plane. Plane missed, stuff everywhere, me sitting in an emotional, embarrassed heap, unable to clean it up or move on. (OK I’m done with the metaphors, LOL).
Two days ago I stopped a medication that I think might be contributing, but it’s only a guess because it’s supposed to act in the opposite way. It’s too soon to tell if it was helping. I only took it 10 days out of the month, and my depression was every day not just those days, so I’m guessing if it was a contributing factor it’s more of a cumulative thing and will probably take time to get out of my system.
Or it has nothing to do with it and I’m just totally out of whack. Not sure I ever was IN whack, LOL. Actually, not even sure what whack is. 🙂
I have spent a lot of time in the last few weeks thinking about this blog and the fact that I wasn’t blogging. Mostly wondering where I want to take this blog.
My oldest is graduating (!), my second is in a local high school, my now 7th grader wants to go there when she hits 9th grade, and yesterday #4 asked to go to school as well, before high school. My youngest has no desire for school, but I can imagine that will change when his best buddies are all gone. I don’t blame them. I try very hard not to let my mental state affect them, and am usually very successful, as I’m a good faker around people. But slowly things have changed around here over the past few years, both educationally and socially. They are lonely and need things I can’t seem to manage. So the highly sensitive homeschooler may soon be the highly sensitive NOT-homeschooler. Probably not next year, but soon.
Blogging about being overwhelmed by homeschooling seems disingenuous to me if I’m not right there in the trenches with you. To me, at least.
I’ve thought about selling the URL and associated “stuff” if anyone is interested. 🙂 It’s just a thought at this moment, and I’m not sure how I would go about it all, but I’d be happy to talk to anyone interested. The right person could really fly with this blog because there is a great need for writing about this topic. I just don’t know if I’m the one to do it.
I also am having a problem with the way I’ve been blogging — part of me wants to do the traffic driving “10 Ways to Be the Best Homeschooler EVVVVVEEEERRRRRRR” posts, and part of me hates them with a passion, LOL. The other part of me just wants to hang out and chat about life, but I worry about it turning into a whine-fest. As HSPs life can be overwhelming, so when talking about the HSP life I’d be talking about being overwhelmed. A lot. Especially as an HSP dealing with anxiety and depression. And I don’t have *answers* so I’m never sure what to say.
The flip flopping between the two types has made me feel two-faced. I know I should just follow my heart, but my heart is all.over.the.place. If I don’t get traffic here I’m just talking to myself, but in order to drive traffic I’m not being true to myself and having to be over-salesy (for me). Like, if I see one more highly staged instagram photo, I’m gonna quit life and go be Thoreau at Walden Pond.
I’m just going to stop there here, and ask for your thoughts. I’m not even going to give you a question to answer, just throw it all out there to me, whatever you are thinking, about any of it. I feel like a conversation needs to happen, but I’m not sure how to start.